Sense of Self
by Alacruxe
Summary: During his coma after the underwater encounter with Ramsus, Fei dreams of himself. Id x Fei.


**0.**

_I wonder..._ whispers a voice which reverberates from within Fei himself. He can see nothing, feel nothing. All he can do is hear, and all that he hears is his own voice.

No, he doesn't hear. Rather, he senses. He _senses_ his own voice...

No, not his own voice. _This_ voice is far too low, too menacing. Fei wouldn't talk like that.

_...How much can you take? _the voice continues, finishing its initial statement with a question. Fei finds no meaning in any of these words. They are empty as his mind. They are empty as the space around him: black, indecipherable. They cut through him from the inside, trying to emerge, trying to manifest into something physical, and despite the pain he feels in such an effort, Fei wills the words to vanish.

Fei hears – no, senses – a deep chuckle, one that could just so easily be his own, but his lips do not part and his vocal cords do not vibrate, and were they to do so, Fei would still not accept it as something he would do then; deep inside he just _knows_ that he can't be the one laughing. Not when there isn't anything to laugh at.

Not when there isn't anything at all.

**I.**

Bart looks uneasy as he walks through the doors of the Ethos HQ. Citan places a comforting hand on Bart's shoulder, and assures him everything will be fine, the Etones can handle this.

Elly remains unconvinced, and Rico seems pessimistic as always.

**II.**

Fei doesn't know how much time has passed since the voice first invaded his mind. He doesn't really care, either. He's trying to empty his mind until he can no longer see himsel

**III.**

"Don't worry, he'll be fine."

The lift support kicks in, while Fei remains still.

**IV.**

Fei's mind isn't quite so black anymore. It's actually a lovely marbled gray, and Fei can see his shadow and there's a light in the corner, but it's not a fake light, a light being cast by a lamp or a flame. It's just an ever-present light and it's so warm and so _pleasant_ and yet Fei just can't bring himself to creep toward it.

Presently he realizes that he is standing, and he smiles before allowing his legs to fold beneath him. His arms are crossed behind his back and they feel warm against his bare skin, and he appreciates the little heat he can generate. The floor is cool on the surfaces of his feet, but his pants keep his legs comfortable, cushioning his shins and reducing the friction his knees would normally be receiving against the ground.

Fei closes his eyes and breathes. Fresh air filters through his nostrils and he feels completely rejuvenated. Life is good.

**V.**

His condition having been stabilized, Fei is carted back to the Yggdrasil. He'll be fine, says the Ethos doctor. He'll just be asleep for a while.

**VI.**

_Hello again, Fei._

This time, the voice Fei hears is not entirely cruel. It's so alike his own, but laced with a stale maturity; like a child with no innocence. Again, the words seem to rip themselves from his being, but Fei makes no move to stop them. He's too comfortable. But then the words begin shredding their way through his skin, and Fei feels a pain as though an entire ventricle were being ripped from his heart, short-lived but agonizing, and when he opens his eyes, his face is inches apart from that of another. He swears he recognizes this face, but he can't find the right name...

"Id," the too-familiar man answers, the voice no longer coming from inside of Fei; instead, the man's lips part as he speaks his given name, and he smiles mirthlessly. Fei feels weak in the presence of Id, and he closes his eyes as if to sleep.

No sleep comes. Frustrated, Fei opens his eyes and he _swears_ Id's face is even closer this time. He can feel warm breath against his cheeks as they redden, and Id is still smiling as he forces his lips upon Fei's.

It's a strange sensation. Tasteless. But Fei can still feel the tongue in his mouth, the teeth biting his lower lip, the warm blood trickling down his chin. For the first time since his arrival in this marbleized sanctuary, Fei moves his arms; or tries to, anyway. A moment after he loosens the cross they'd formed, he finds his wrists bound tightly against each other, the sting of tightened rope hot against his flesh.

Id breaks the kiss slowly, his tongue dipping down below Fei's lips to trail across the line of blood he's created, and Fei can faintly taste the coppery flavor on his own tongue. He reminds himself of his bleeding lip in an attempt to find some sort of normalcy in his conflicted mind, but as his tongue presses against the injured lip, he finds it entirely healed.

He still tastes copper.

Id lifts his head and looks Fei straight in the eyes. Fei parts his lips as if to speak, but the words come from the wrong mouth. "Who _are_ you?" asks Id, and Fei grows weak again. That voice is his, all right.

Id catches Fei before he even begins to fall. Fei can feel his own hand against the back of his neck, but it's _not his hand_, it's Id's. And Id just holds him there, supporting his entire frame with a single hand. Fei faintly wonders if there's even a floor beneath him anymore, because he can't feel anything below his weakening legs. All he can feel is the breath against his bare abdomen as Id dips his head even lower.

Then Fei can feel his belt slipping free, and he is forced back into wakefulness.

Id's other hand is beneath the loosened fabric in a mere second, exploring such places as Fei would never have imagined another man touching. But Id _is not_ another man, he _is_ Fei, a part of Fei, and this is such a natural gesture that Fei himself is frightened at it.

All the sounds Fei wants to repress come straight out of Id's open-hanging mouth: the gasps, the moans, the grunts of pleasure. It isn't long before Id throws his head back and Fei feels his breath catch, and all of his stress is released in a single wave.

The grip on the back of Fei's neck holds strongly, but Id withdraws his hand from Fei's pants and begins licking his fingers. In an instant, Fei is no longer sated. His loosened pants feel tight once more, and his neck cranes upward, begging for Id's...no, _his own_ lips upon him once more.

**VII.**

The nurse swears to Citan that she's never seen a comatose patient with an erection before.

Citan just nods knowingly and returns to the gun room.

**VIII.**

Fei feels himself more drawn to the light than ever before as he lays curled into himself: a fetal position.

It's cold when there's no one to share your warmth with, after all.

**IX.**

Citan is the only one present in the sickbay when Fei stirs for the first time in several days.

Within the next moment, he falls asleep once more.

**X.**

The light of the sickbay lamps bombards Fei's eyes as he opens them one at a time. He closes them immediately.

The light isn't as warm as Fei had expected after all. In the end, it's only brightness, and he settles for glancing back into the corner of the room, where no light shines at all.

Id seems to prefer the darkness, too.


End file.
